


I Feel Fine

by greenbloodedcomputer



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-15 19:42:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5797348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenbloodedcomputer/pseuds/greenbloodedcomputer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After their exile on Vulcan, Leonard struggles to reinitiate his telepathic bond with his husband who remembers nothing after sacrificing himself for the ship. </p><p>- - -</p><p>The Story of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home if Leonard McCoy and Spock were bond mates.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Three months.

Three months they had been on this godforsaken planet. Three months they had been sweating their balls off trying to fix the god damn Klingon ship. Three months of listening to Vulcan logic. Three months of having to face Lieutenant Saavik, the Vulcan officer who was pregnant with his husband’s child. Three months of having to go to Vulcan therapy lessons to try and recover from the trauma and having Spock in his head. Three months of looking at Sarek’s disapproving face whenever he visited the house. Three months of behaving like a polite stranger to the man he dedicated his life to. Three months of pretending that everything was okay when nothing was. 

And now they were leaving.

When Spock had left him at the end of the five year mission, Leonard McCoy had thought that would be the hardest time of his life. The withdrawal, the feeling of loneliness and betrayal…learning to live without Spock was the most difficult thing he’d had to do. 

A few years later, when Spock had died saving the Enterprise, Leonard replaced the notion of ‘hardest time of his life’ with the fact that his bond mate was now dead and his body was being ejected into space. 

A few days after that, the title was once again shifted when he realized he’d have to carry Spock’s _Katra_ around in his body and mind. Being two people at once wasn’t something any human being should ever have to do, and the weight of it almost killed him. 

Once more, the most difficult thing he’d had to do seemed to switch over to actually getting the _katra_ back into Spock’s mind. Rigorous mental and emotional work, tremendous strain, and no way to truly recover (at least not that was known to be successful for a human) left Leonard truly weak. The only solace was that he was saving Spock’s life. 

After all of that, he had thought nothing else could be more difficult. He had fought for his life and won so many times that it seemed that the universe was mocking him. But none of that, none of those terrible events, even held a candle to the feeling he got when Spock stepped off the altar, looked him in the eye, and had no idea who he was. 

After all of the sacrifice, the fighting, the effort…he had lost his bond mate. The crushing reality of the situation broke not only his will to continue, but also his mental capacity to struggle on. The pain that had occurred when Spock was killed was not present. He did not feel the withdrawal of losing his mate…it was simply as if he’d never had one, and that killed him the most. He’d spent days on end in his room without any contact at the start of their stay in Vulcan. He’d refused to see anyone but the Vulcan priestess that was assigned to help him with rehabilitation and he wouldn’t ask her what to do about Spock. They disapproved of the unconventional male-to-male bonding, surely. Asking her would be a waste of time. 

On the eve of their decision to travel back to Earth, Leonard was visited by the one person he hadn’t thought of speaking to. They’d only met once or twice, and he had taken a liking to her immediately. She was kind, supportive, and logical…in a way that was everything Leonard needed and nothing that was cold and hard. Amanda Grayson had politely asked for his company, and he had gladly given it to her.

“Spock…said you used to be a school teacher,” McCoy said quietly. 

Amanda nodded with a smile, as if revisiting the memories fondly. “That is correct.”

“You seem like you’d make one hell of a teacher. You’ve got just the energy for it.”

“Why thank you.” 

Leonard smiled at her, but being pleasant was exhausting, so he allowed himself be a little grumpy. Surely, she would understand. 

“I suppose you know I am here to speak to you about Spock.” 

The doctor had thought as much, but he wasn’t keen on pressing the subject. He had only seen the man a handful of times in the past month, each occasion more depressing than the last. Surely, nothing she could say would make things any better.

“He still has no recollection of you or the other members of your crew. He recalls very little about Jim, but retains all of his Starfleet training. The Priestesses believe he was eventually regain his memory, but it may take a very long time.”

This wasn’t anything he hadn’t already heard, so Leonard remained silent, staring at his hands in his lap. Even if Spock finally remembered who he was, he’d most likely be dead by then. Amanda was probably there to tell him to give up, go home, forget about Spock. 

“I want you to help him remember.”

The doctor looked up at these words. “Impossible,” he said lightly. “Spock doesn’t even know who I am.”

“I believe you can assist him.”

“Unlikely.” 

“He needs a little bump in the right direction.”

“It would be illogical to force him in any one direction too hard.”

“It seem as though a little bit of him may have stuck with you, Leonard.” 

He sighed softly. It was true. Thought Spock’s _Katra_ was back in his own head, he still felt the leftover bits of his personality. 

“Just as he did as a child, he is rejecting the human side of himself. You helped him to realize how important his humanity was. He needs you for that again.” 

Leonard was so tired. There was no way Spock could be forced to remember anything from before the incident. It was a waste of time. 

“Amanda, I don’t think I can do that. Telling Spock we were bonded would probably be too big a shock for him. Besides, we are leaving for Earth tomorrow. Spock will be worlds away. There’s no time.”

“I am working on that.” 

“Please. Let this end in the most peaceful way possible.”

Amanda hummed a little in response and then stood. “Perhaps I am being selfish, but I like having you as a son. Please, if there is anything in your power, try to mend this relationship.” She approached and left a small kiss on the top of the doctor’s head. He looked up to her with tired blue eyes and she offered a small smile before backing out of the room.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the right to Star Trek, this was just written for fun!

The next morning they took a vote. They were going to return to Earth to face their charges. In a damn Klingon vessel. Leonard muttered to himself as he collected his things and approached the ship. His mind was a million miles away. After his visit with Amanda, he had been thinking of any last effort to return Spock to his ways, but it would be impossible with the time they had, and there was no way he could remain on Vulcan. 

As his thoughts continued, he turned a corner and walked almost directly in to the Vulcan he had been thinking about. He froze, a feeling a dread bubbling in his stomach, and nearly dropped the medi-kit he was holding. Spock looked thin, a little bit more rigid than he’d known him, and was clothed in only a white Vulcan ceremonial robe. “What are you doing here?” he managed to breath. Spock raised an eyebrow in a way that made the doctor melt from the inside out. 

“I intend to accompany the crew to Earth, Doctor,” he responded in the most robotic way possible. Leonard’s heart leapt. He was coming with them? They would be stuck together for at least a few days while they made their way back to Earth. Maybe there was a chance he could help…

“Pardon me.”

And with that, Spock was gone, into the Klingon ship, and down the hall. McCoy scurried after him and they arrived on the bridge at the same time. There was an awkward goodbye between him and Lt. Saavik (whom Leonard avoided eye contact with) and then he asked permission to come aboard. It was true…he was coming home with them. 

Jim put him back at the science station within seconds, which perplexed the doctor. He scooted up next to Jim. “You sure this is such a bright idea?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean him, back at his post, like nothing happened. I don't know if you got the whole picture, but he isn't exactly working on all thrusters.”

“It’ll come back to him.”

“Are you sure?” Jim sat in the captain’s chair and stared straight ahead. Leonard scowled. Of course he wasn’t sure, but Jim wasn’t going to admit that to himself or anyone else. He wanted Spock on board that ship worse than anyone. “That’s what I thought…” he muttered before walking away and taking a seat behind the science station, right next to the empty Vulcan in question. 

Without a crew to take care of, or a proper mission, or a proper medical station, Bones was caught without a job. He glanced over at Spock, unsure of how to go about poking memories back into him. He figured he’d start from the beginning. 

“Hi…busy?” 

“Uhura is busy…I am monitoring.” 

Bad start. 

“Uh…Well I just wanted to say -- nice to have your Katra back in your head and not in mine.” He brandished a big smile. Nothing. “I mean, I may have carried your soul, but I sure couldn’t fill your shoes.” 

Spock seemed extremely confused, and still had an earpiece in that seemed to Leonard almost like a wall between them. 

“My…shoes?”

“Forget it…” This was going nowhere. Maybe they’d be better off ignoring each other for the rest of the journey. The interaction was killing him. “How 'bout covering a little philosophical ground? Life, Death, Life... Things of that nature?”

“I did not have time on Vulcan to review the Philosophical disciplines.”

Jesus H. Christ. 

“C’mon, Spock! It’s me! McCoy! You really have gone where no man’s gone before… Can’t you tell me what it felt like?” This was quickly turning out to be a one sided conversation. No familiar, witty quips. No argument. No nothing. This wasn’t his husband. Hell, it wasn’t even a living creature. Just a machine masquerading as a man. 

“It would be impossible to discuss the subject without a common frame of reference.”

Without thinking, Bones let slip a very human reaction. “You’re joking.”

Spock responded in the best way a Vulcan could. “A joke…is a story with a humorous climax.”

“You mean I have to die to discuss your insights on death?!”

Spock opened his mouth to respond, and then promptly closed it. His eyes were distant and he held the earpiece tighter in his hand. After a moment of listening, he finally spoke. “Forgive me, Doctor. I am receiving a number of distress calls.” He turned his chair back to his console.  
Leonard was dumb struck. This is what Amanda expected him to work with? This blank slate that _looked_ like Spock. “I don’t doubt it…” He forced the bit of panic back down inside and stood up to make his escape before it was too late. 

Almost immediately, his mind was elsewhere. The Federation was sending distress signals warning all life forms to stay as far away from the planet as possible. Now they were homeless. His thoughts began spinning. Where would they go? They were in a Klingon vessel, in Federation space, without a place to live, short on supplies, food, water…the whole bit. Would they return to Vulcan? Would they have to live out the rest of their lives on that damn desert planet? What was going to happen to Earth? All those people? His home? It seemed as though everyone else (except maybe Spock) was having the same reaction. Sulu looked like he was going to throw up, and Uhura and Chekov were looking to the Admiral for advice. 

It only took Spock a few minutes to pinpoint exactly what the probe was and then he was off, with Jim at his heels. “Bones, stay here.” 

No way in hell that was happening. Leonard was on his feet and after them in a second. “No way! Somebody’s got to keep an eye on him…” 

It was amazing how, when faced with a task, the three of them seemed to fall into place again. Spock confirmed his suspicions (the probe was attempting to communicate with a long-extinct creature from Earth called a humpback whale), Jim marveled over how wonderful his first officer was, the two of them decided time travel was the only way to save the world, and McCoy was the only one with half a brain to remind them how god damn ridiculous they were being. But after shouting and berating the Admiral, his opinion was dismissed, and it seemed the only choice they had was to go back in time and kidnap some god damn whales, which was the most bizarre thing he’d ever heard in his entire life, and that was saying something from the man who’d just carried another person inside his head. 

On the bridge, the rest of the crew seemed gung-ho about the entire ordeal, and McCoy was left in the corner, behind Spock, praying for his life as the ship went into warp directly for the sun. Mr. Sulu was announcing the speed of the ship, and somewhere around warp 9 the doctor lost consciousness. The last thing he was aware of was falling out of his chair and a very calm, warm set of hands catching him and holding him upright.


	3. Chapter 3

Their mission was relatively simple. Jim and Spock find the whales. Pavel and Nyota find some energy source. Scotty, Hikaru, and Bones make a whale tank. “We’d better get the best god-damned retirement after this shit…” McCoy muttered as they walked down the streets of San Francisco. It look relatively similar, even though Leonard hadn’t been there in several years…that were yet to come. The end of the 20th Century seemed a bit like the mid-2250’s when he’d last been there. Everyone was an asshole and it smelled like factories and weed. Not his cup of tea, but interesting nonetheless. 

Spock stayed close to Jim, and McCoy kept a close eye on him as they walked. He looked even more out of place than the rest of them in his white, Vulcan robe and the shred of fabric tied around those pointed ears. Bones was thankful that San Francisco was known for attracting the attention of some odd individuals or else they might have been in trouble. 

The doctor part of his mind kicked in and he wondered how Spock’s newly regenerated lungs were going to do in a densely populated section of Earth. He’d only breathed Vulcan’s thin air and the recycled oxygen on the Klingon ship until that time. There was a chance his health could be affected if they stayed too long. 

“He doesn’t know, does he?” 

It took a moment for Leonard to realize that Pavel Chekov was addressing him. He glanced down at the younger man. Though he’d known Chekov since he was twenty-two, the two had never been close friends. Their relationship had happened by osmosis and Leonard was glad for it now. While Uhura had the sense to know it was a sensitive topic, and the other men on the ship were too awkward to bring it up, Chekov had just that much naivety that he would prod where he wasn’t supposed to. 

“Know what?” Bones humoured him for this reason. 

“That you two were a couple. All those years of being married…he has no idea?”

Chekov, of course, probably had no knowledge of Vulcan mating and had very little idea that the two had been attached through telepathy. But it was nice that he was trying to help.

“No, Chekov. He doesn’t know.”

“Shouldn’t you tell him?”

It seemed like such a simple suggestion, but all along it had been inferred that telling Spock about the bond outright would have been a shock to him and a rather unhealthy one at that. Perhaps he had assumed he was waiting for some of his humanity to resurface before breaking the news to him. 

“I’m not sure he’s ready to know.”

“But what about you? Surely it’s more than distressing for your husband to not have any idea--“

“You’re right, Pavel. It sucks.”

“This reminds me of Russian epic of ’50 First Dates’. It is a story about a woman who forgets each day as if it has never happened. Her boyfriend makes a video for her to watch every morning that tells her the story of her life.”

“What the hell does that have to do with me and Spock?”

“Well…if they can make it, so can you.”

McCoy opened his mouth to tell Chekov that was the stupidest thing he’d ever heard, when they were suddenly being handed paper money and told to split off. He looked over to Spock to tell him to be careful, but he and Jim were gone in a second. Pavel gave him an apologetic look and then he was off with Uhura. That left three. “Let’s get this the fuck over with…” he said as he sauntered deeper into the city.


End file.
